How long has it been? 5 months? There's just so many things that had happened within this short period. And I'm sad to say that it was filled with heartbreaking moments that, no matter how hard I tried but failed to avoid, keep resurfacing no matter what time or where I am.

One of the things that left a deep, uncurable mark in my heart is the death of my beloved grandfather. I will not dwelve into this any further, for it would only remind me of my loneliness for the years to come. God will always be with you, so please rest in Heaven.

The other thing that kept bugging me is the fact that I'm a total epic failure at everything I do. I got disappointing results from last year (form 4) and now I'm going to have my SPM by the end of this year, but I'm still not prepared to face it. Not now.. Maybe never. I already got all the necessary preparations in full throttle; my tuition classes and extra classes, revision books and ample time for studying. Its just that I don't feel like studying anymore.

I feel as if there's no reason to continue on learning. In my head I just couldn't help but think "I'm such a loser, so why bother trying to archieve success when you know you will never get it?" 

Yesterday (Saturday, 28th Feb) I read an article in a local magazine. It was trying to show how schooling kids (primary or secondary -- it made no difference) these days are getting even more barbaric than what we expected them to be. *One of the kids who got interviewed told the reporter why he didn't like studying. Didn't he feel at loss when he skipped class while everyone else gained more and more knowledge? "Nope. 'Coz I'm just too lazy to study anymore. Boring"

What can I say? I can't just grind my teeth and say that 'the kid's a jerk' or 'he'll grow up to be a failure' or something. Because if I do, I might as well say that 'I'm a jerk'or 'I'll grow up to be a failure'. And live the rest of my life as a living trash and not doing anything to improve myself.. for there is none.

BTW first test going to be on 3rd to 5th March, yet I still haven't read a single page of my revision book. 

SIDE NOTES:

*Mastika, "Ke Hadapan Datuk Seri Hishammuddin.. Bacalah Laporan Perisikan Ini" 2009, Mastika:Majalah No. 1 Malaysia.

VIDEO OF THE DAY features Miku, Kaito, Len and Haku. Song is "Shining Ray" which was originally sung by Janne Da Arc.